Faith in Marriage

What is faith? Faith is believing in something that you have not seen. Dictionary.com defines faith as confidence of trust in a person or thing and a belief that is not based on proof. The Latter-day Saint bible dictionary defines faith as a hope for things which are not seen, but which are true. This faith must be centered in Jesus Christ in order to produce salvation. In the Book of Mormon a prophet by the name of Alma teaches some people who are poor and humble. He teaches them about faith and how “faith is a hope in that which is not seen which is true.” Faith is a principle of action and of power and although faith is a gift, it must be cultured and sought after until it grows from a tiny seed to a great tree.

I love this imagery; I can just picture a little seed that is trying to grow; if it is not nourished it will never take root and spout; but even after it has started to grow, it must be nourished or it will die.  You can read more about this in Alma chapter32. Just as the seed needs constant nourishment, the same thing needs to happen in marriage. The way we treat our spouse can have such a profound influence on weather a marriage nourished or wilts. 

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Gottman shares how small little moments in marriage matter. He calls these moments “bids” for attention. Couples need to be aware when these moments occur. They can occur at anytime; they can be as small as asking for help with some chores or as major as big life decisions. Gottman also talks about how important it is to turn towards our partner instead of away. Sometimes this is easier said than done. I know there have been times in my marriage when selfishness gets in the way of sacrifice. I think we could all do a little better at being more aware of others needs especially our spouse. I know for me; I can pick up on those “bids” mentioned above and I can stay tuned and turn towards my spouse and not away or against!!! 
 

Bruce Hafen in a book titled Covenant Hearts mentioned how important communication is in marriage. He said “Communicate. Say what you’re thinking, in a kind way. Don’t make the other person read your mind, and don’t let unspoken things build up until some event triggers a reaction that’s out of proportion”. I am guilty of this; sometimes I just assume since I told my spouse numerous times what I like, it does not necessarily mean that he will remember every time. Instead of letting something fester, I could easily just ask for help. Sometimes pride gets in the way and it never leads to a good outcome. I love how he said that we are not only to communicate but communicate in a kind way. No matter what I think, my spouse will never really be able to read my mind and really, how easy is it to ask for help.
 
I know that faith in marriage is important. Marriage is a big giant leap of faith; or at least it has been for me. I know it’s important to keep nourishing our faith and our marriage through small daily connections.  

References

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/faith?s=t.
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bd/faith.
Hafen, B.C (2012) Covenant hearts: why marriage matters and how to make it last. Deseret Book Company

 

Challenges in Marriage

H. Wallace Goddard has said that “afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth. Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them. We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven. “

This is easier said than done. I am someone who has a hard time welcoming difficulties, when things do not go according as I have planned, I kind of freak out. It’s been something that I have had to deal with my whole life; but I have been able to get by with help from my family, especially my husband. He is the complete opposite; he is able to take things in stride. I know it is hard sometimes, but we find ways to make it work. John Gottman has said that fondness and admiration [in marriage] are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Marriages are expected to last; couples that love and respect each other will fare well.

Goddard has called marriage “God’s finishing school.” I agree with this statement 100 percent; marriage is not for the faint of heart and it takes a lot of time, energy and hard work. Spencer W Kimball has said that “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony…they are sure to have this great happiness.” Marriage is about sacrifice and there are bound to be moments of trial and hardship but being able to overcome those moments and find ways to foster admiration and fondness are vital.

How do we nurture admiration and fondness in marriage? Love is very important. Spencer W Kimball has said that “Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness. Total unselfishness is sure to accomplish another factor in successful marriage. If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions. Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy. Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration...companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.”

The following video tells a story of a man named Brandon and his wife Lluvia. After being married for 13 years and with three kids, they decided to divorce. She thought that it would be an easy fix but ended up being much harder than she thought. They went to therapy and found a way to find love again. They decided to start dating again, they smiled more and found ways to stay in love. She mentioned in the video "what am I doing to stay in love" I think this goes along with nurturing admiration and love. They decided to keep going to therapy, seek spiritual help, pray and read the scriptures, go to the temple and set goals together. They got remarried and found hope.

I love all of these words; it is a great reminder of what needs to be done in order to obtain a happy and successful marriage. I know for me and in my marriage; there have definitely been times of trial, as well as times of success. I sometimes think that if I had not gone through a certain hardship, I would not appreciate when times were good. I remember a time in our marriage when things became stagnant; my husband was not in love with his current employment and he wanted to make a change. As I mentioned above, change and me are not always a pretty site. We decided to move our little family across the country. I was not fully behind the move but it was something my husband really wanted and I supported him in the decision. The first year and a half, I struggled a great deal. I had left my home state and family behind and did not really have a positive attitude about it. After a while, we decided that we wanted to return to school; so through the course of time we ended up in Idaho, going back to school. I sometimes think of that year and a half as a not so great time, but it was really just a stepping stone in our lives. We also had some good experiences and met some amazing people. Sometimes those are overshadowed by my negativity.  It is important to stay positive and look for the good in our situations.

Henry B Eyring in a talk about love said, “pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” This kind of love will last. When was the last time you prayed for your spouse? This is something I want to work on. Prayer is important, love is imperative and finding ways to stay positive and welcome trials as a way of learning will be so helpful in navigating our way through this life.

References:

Eyring, H. B (2009) Our Perfect Example. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng&_r=1

Kimball, S.W (1977) Oneness in marriage. Returned from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/03/oneness-in-marriage?lang=eng  

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)

Goddard. H.W (2007) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax: Meridian Publishing

 

 

Friendship in Marriage

Friendship, says John Gottman, is at the core of a strong marriage.

But, how do you obtain friendship in marriage? For some couples, it comes naturally but for others, myself included, it is easier said than done. Happy marriages are not free of conflict but happy couples have found ways to keep happy during times of trial. I know for my husband and me, we try and find something to do each day together. Most of the time it ends up being watching a show or helping each other with homework but when life gets crazy, it’s important to take a little time each day to connect with the people that matter the most.  

Gottman has also said that couples with deep friendships have… “mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.” 

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Gottman shares examples of what couples can do to pursue friendship versus fights. A husband attends church with his wife even though he is not religious because he knows it makes her happy, a wife makes the husband separate pancakes because she knows he does not like the added blueberries that the kids like. Another example he provided was a spouse who was “not crazy about spending time with relatives,” still went and spent time with the in-laws. This resonated with me; I come from a large family that has lots of gatherings; my husband’s side of the family, not so much. Even though it is not exactly what my husband likes to do, he always accompanies me and keeps up a positive front. It makes me happy when he does something for me, even though it not first on his list.  

In an article presented on a blog as part of the Gottman Institute, Zach Brittle provides a few suggestions on how to foster friendship in marriage.   

The first suggestion is to ask questions.

 My mother is an excellent example of someone who ask questions. She does not just ask opened ended questions but she engages you to converse with her. She does the TMA; [tell me about] type of questions. Instead of saying: how was your day; she would reframe it by saying: tell me about your day. This allowed us to share with her more than just a yes or a no answer.

Bobb Biehl has said that “if you ask profound questions, you get profound answers; if you ask shallow questions, you get shallow answers; and if you ask no questions, you get no answers at all.” I love this. I did not inherit my mother’s ability to ask questions, but I know that it’s something that is important and something that I want to work on in my own life.

The second suggestion is to tell stories.

 
I love books and I love stories. This stems from my childhood. My father was the best story teller; we looked forward to nighttime to hear a new story or a continuation of the previous night’s tale. I am not great at telling stories but I do love to hear them.  

“Do not underestimate the power of stories. Our brains are designed to be drawn into and motivated by stories. Most of what we know about human history has been passed down through oral tradition. Stories have the power to build and transform relationships. They provide context for the rough spots and remind us that there is something bigger than the struggle.”

 

Because my parents were great at asking questions and telling stories to us kids, I know they did the same thing in their personal relationship. I know it helped them to become best friends and have the successful marriage. 
 

In the same book mentioned above, Gottman share some ways or principles on how to make a marriage work. He said they are “surprisingly simple." “Happily married couples aren't smarter or more beautiful than others, and they don't live in castles in the clouds where there's no conflict or negative feelings. They've simply learned to let their positive feelings about each other override their negative ones. They understand, honor, and respect each other. They know each other deeply and enjoy being together. They do little things every day to stay connected and to show each other they care. In short, they are friends. As simple as it sounds, happy marriages are based on a foundation of friendship.” 

I am grateful for the examples in my life of couples who are striving to do their best, who are committed to each other and who also resolve conflict and promote being positive.  Deep friendship is important and it is something I want to strive for in my life and in all my relationships

References:

Brittle, Z (2014). F is for friendship. The gottman institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/f-is-for-friendship/

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)
Nurturing Friendship in Marriage-article retrieved from https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Pages/marriage/Nurturing,Connecting,AndSharing/Nurturing-Friendship-in-Marriage.aspx

 

Marriage is Essential

What is marriage? Why is marriage essential?  
 

On September 23, 1995, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” As an explanation for the proclamation, President Gordon B Hinckley said, “The world we are in is a world of turmoil, of shifting values. Shrill voices call out for one thing or another in betrayal of time-tested standards of behavior…With so much deception concerning standards and values, with so much of allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn.” (Hinckley, 1995) 

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” is designed to help us realize the importance of families in our Heavenly Father’s plan. The proclamation starts out by establishing the definition of the family. It states a few times in the text that “marriage between a man and a woman” is ‘ordained of God’ and is ‘essential to His eternal plan’. Before we came to this earth, we lived with our Heavenly Father as spirt children; in the preexistence, our Father in Heaven presented a plan for all of his children. We are here on earth, living in families and working on making it back to live with our Heavenly Father and our families.

With the world ever changing and the meaning of the family be redefined; I know that proclamation will be a guiding light for the world. David Bednar has said “Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants.” A covenant is an agreement made between God and an individual. Marriage is not temporary, it’s not just a piece of paper, it’s a commitment and a covenant that we make. 

This video portrays a variety of couples who share how they express love. They show a commitment to each other through the way they treat their spouse, the way they show love and the way they honor their marriage covenant.

 

Bruce Hafen has that that “marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth… because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee.”   

I love the imagery portrayed in the example given above; marriage is not easy, it takes effort, it takes selflessness and it takes work. I have seen examples in my life of contract and covenant marriages. When both spouse are committed to each other and promise to do whatever it takes to make their marriage work; they will be able to make it through trials and ultimately have a successful and happy marriage. 

David Bednar has said “As we look beyond mortality and into eternity, it is easy to discern that the counterfeit alternatives the adversary advocates can never lead to the completeness that is made possible through the sealing together of a man and a woman, to the happiness of righteous marriage, to the joy of posterity, or to the blessing of eternal progression”

I love the line "joy of posterity." Some days marriage and family life is anything but joyful; but really, my family brings me the greatest joy and happiness. I am not a natural mother or wife; its hard work and sometimes there are sad days. But having the knowledge that I do about God's eternal plan and knowing where I want to end up, helps push me through the hard days. I am grateful for marriage and know that it is essential and know that when two people come together and do their best; anything is possible.

References:
Hinckley, G.B (1995) The family, a proclamation to the world. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

Bednar, D.A (2006) Marriage is essential to his eternal plan, retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng

Hafen, B. C. (1996) Covenant marriage. Ensign, 26

Advocate of Traditional Marriage

This week my head was flooded with many different thoughts and I could go in many different directions but I wanted to keep my blog post short and sweet on why I believe in traditional marriage (between a man and a woman) and my thoughts on the Supreme Court ruling about same sex marriage.    

It has been said that “perhaps no subject in our society is more controversial than homosexuality” Indeed, “it is difficult to talk about homosexuality objectively because it is so personal, involving as it does individuals, relationships, and families and extending to issues of marriage…” (Byrd, D.A 2010). 

On June 26, 2015, the US Supreme Court ruled that the US Constitution guarantees the right for same-sex couples to marry in all 50 US states. Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy stated in the majority opinion: "The Court, in this decision, holds same-sex couples may exercise the fundamental right to marry in all States." (http://gaymarriage.procon.org/view.resource.php?
resourceID=004857)  

Anthony Kennedy, one of the Justices in favor of legalizing same sex marriage; said that “No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization's oldest institutions.  They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right." (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2015)  

I agree with Justice Kennedy that married is very profound and it carries with it love, fidelity, devotion, etc, but for me the concept of traditional marriage-marriage between a man and a woman just makes sense. We have the scriptures for a spiritual witness; in Genesis 1:27-28 it talks about how “God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” “And God blessed them, and . . . said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” I believe that God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He created man and woman and told them to have children. But more than the spiritual witness, it makes sense to me that it takes a man a woman to procreate. I believe that although the worlds definition of marriage and family has changed, the idea of family as God has outlined has not changed.  

Russel M Nelson has said that “It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!” (Nelson, R. M, 2014) 

I have never been attracted to a female, but I know other females who are. I do not understand what is going on inside their body; I just know what I believe. I know that the definition of marriage is in the process of being redefined. The long held definition of being a relationship between man and woman is no more. Even with the ever changing world, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. It just makes sense to me; procreation can only be employed by a man and a woman; yes, homosexual couples can adopt or bring children up in this world but it’s not a natural process. I believe there are benefits of raising children in a home with a mother and a father. I will always stand up for traditional marriage.

References:
Byrd, Dean A. (2010) Homosexuality: innate and immutable. Liberty University Law Review: Vol 4. Iss 3, Article 4
http://gaymarriage.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=004857
Obergefell v. Hodges, majority decision written by Justice Anthony Kennedy, June 26, 2015
Nelson, R. M. Nelson, Russell M. (2014). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement