Friendship in Marriage

Friendship, says John Gottman, is at the core of a strong marriage.

But, how do you obtain friendship in marriage? For some couples, it comes naturally but for others, myself included, it is easier said than done. Happy marriages are not free of conflict but happy couples have found ways to keep happy during times of trial. I know for my husband and me, we try and find something to do each day together. Most of the time it ends up being watching a show or helping each other with homework but when life gets crazy, it’s important to take a little time each day to connect with the people that matter the most.  

Gottman has also said that couples with deep friendships have… “mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.” 

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Gottman shares examples of what couples can do to pursue friendship versus fights. A husband attends church with his wife even though he is not religious because he knows it makes her happy, a wife makes the husband separate pancakes because she knows he does not like the added blueberries that the kids like. Another example he provided was a spouse who was “not crazy about spending time with relatives,” still went and spent time with the in-laws. This resonated with me; I come from a large family that has lots of gatherings; my husband’s side of the family, not so much. Even though it is not exactly what my husband likes to do, he always accompanies me and keeps up a positive front. It makes me happy when he does something for me, even though it not first on his list.  

In an article presented on a blog as part of the Gottman Institute, Zach Brittle provides a few suggestions on how to foster friendship in marriage.   

The first suggestion is to ask questions.

 My mother is an excellent example of someone who ask questions. She does not just ask opened ended questions but she engages you to converse with her. She does the TMA; [tell me about] type of questions. Instead of saying: how was your day; she would reframe it by saying: tell me about your day. This allowed us to share with her more than just a yes or a no answer.

Bobb Biehl has said that “if you ask profound questions, you get profound answers; if you ask shallow questions, you get shallow answers; and if you ask no questions, you get no answers at all.” I love this. I did not inherit my mother’s ability to ask questions, but I know that it’s something that is important and something that I want to work on in my own life.

The second suggestion is to tell stories.

 
I love books and I love stories. This stems from my childhood. My father was the best story teller; we looked forward to nighttime to hear a new story or a continuation of the previous night’s tale. I am not great at telling stories but I do love to hear them.  

“Do not underestimate the power of stories. Our brains are designed to be drawn into and motivated by stories. Most of what we know about human history has been passed down through oral tradition. Stories have the power to build and transform relationships. They provide context for the rough spots and remind us that there is something bigger than the struggle.”

 

Because my parents were great at asking questions and telling stories to us kids, I know they did the same thing in their personal relationship. I know it helped them to become best friends and have the successful marriage. 
 

In the same book mentioned above, Gottman share some ways or principles on how to make a marriage work. He said they are “surprisingly simple." “Happily married couples aren't smarter or more beautiful than others, and they don't live in castles in the clouds where there's no conflict or negative feelings. They've simply learned to let their positive feelings about each other override their negative ones. They understand, honor, and respect each other. They know each other deeply and enjoy being together. They do little things every day to stay connected and to show each other they care. In short, they are friends. As simple as it sounds, happy marriages are based on a foundation of friendship.” 

I am grateful for the examples in my life of couples who are striving to do their best, who are committed to each other and who also resolve conflict and promote being positive.  Deep friendship is important and it is something I want to strive for in my life and in all my relationships

References:

Brittle, Z (2014). F is for friendship. The gottman institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/f-is-for-friendship/

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)
Nurturing Friendship in Marriage-article retrieved from https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Pages/marriage/Nurturing,Connecting,AndSharing/Nurturing-Friendship-in-Marriage.aspx