Challenges in Marriage

H. Wallace Goddard has said that “afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth. Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them. We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven. “

This is easier said than done. I am someone who has a hard time welcoming difficulties, when things do not go according as I have planned, I kind of freak out. It’s been something that I have had to deal with my whole life; but I have been able to get by with help from my family, especially my husband. He is the complete opposite; he is able to take things in stride. I know it is hard sometimes, but we find ways to make it work. John Gottman has said that fondness and admiration [in marriage] are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Marriages are expected to last; couples that love and respect each other will fare well.

Goddard has called marriage “God’s finishing school.” I agree with this statement 100 percent; marriage is not for the faint of heart and it takes a lot of time, energy and hard work. Spencer W Kimball has said that “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony…they are sure to have this great happiness.” Marriage is about sacrifice and there are bound to be moments of trial and hardship but being able to overcome those moments and find ways to foster admiration and fondness are vital.

How do we nurture admiration and fondness in marriage? Love is very important. Spencer W Kimball has said that “Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness. Total unselfishness is sure to accomplish another factor in successful marriage. If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions. Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy. Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration...companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.”

The following video tells a story of a man named Brandon and his wife Lluvia. After being married for 13 years and with three kids, they decided to divorce. She thought that it would be an easy fix but ended up being much harder than she thought. They went to therapy and found a way to find love again. They decided to start dating again, they smiled more and found ways to stay in love. She mentioned in the video "what am I doing to stay in love" I think this goes along with nurturing admiration and love. They decided to keep going to therapy, seek spiritual help, pray and read the scriptures, go to the temple and set goals together. They got remarried and found hope.

I love all of these words; it is a great reminder of what needs to be done in order to obtain a happy and successful marriage. I know for me and in my marriage; there have definitely been times of trial, as well as times of success. I sometimes think that if I had not gone through a certain hardship, I would not appreciate when times were good. I remember a time in our marriage when things became stagnant; my husband was not in love with his current employment and he wanted to make a change. As I mentioned above, change and me are not always a pretty site. We decided to move our little family across the country. I was not fully behind the move but it was something my husband really wanted and I supported him in the decision. The first year and a half, I struggled a great deal. I had left my home state and family behind and did not really have a positive attitude about it. After a while, we decided that we wanted to return to school; so through the course of time we ended up in Idaho, going back to school. I sometimes think of that year and a half as a not so great time, but it was really just a stepping stone in our lives. We also had some good experiences and met some amazing people. Sometimes those are overshadowed by my negativity.  It is important to stay positive and look for the good in our situations.

Henry B Eyring in a talk about love said, “pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” This kind of love will last. When was the last time you prayed for your spouse? This is something I want to work on. Prayer is important, love is imperative and finding ways to stay positive and welcome trials as a way of learning will be so helpful in navigating our way through this life.

References:

Eyring, H. B (2009) Our Perfect Example. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng&_r=1

Kimball, S.W (1977) Oneness in marriage. Returned from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/03/oneness-in-marriage?lang=eng  

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)

Goddard. H.W (2007) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax: Meridian Publishing