Conflict in Marriage

Marriages are made up of a husband and a wife who each bring different personalities, expectations, views and ideals. I know for me and my spouse, we are definitely complete opposite in some of our opinions and daily doings but are similar in others. Learning how to deal with these differences has not been easy but it’s been rewarding in many ways. Sometimes these differences have caused some conflict. All marriages will encounter some kind of conflict, whether minor or major, marital conflict is a normal part of married life.  

Marital conflict in itself is not bad but the responses to the conflict is what can be harmful to marriage or is what can help a marriage thrive. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work shares some keys to managing conflict. I will share a few here: 

Negative Emotions are Important.

Reading about marital conflict and negative emptions really struck a chord with me this week. Growing up I thought that negative emotion was bad. I have always been a pessimistic person by nature and carried with me a lot of anger. I would beat myself up for thinking and then acting a certain way. After years of this life cycle I was able to learn more about anger and negativity and how the emotion is not necessary the problem but the action associated with it. A counselor once told me that having a negative emotion is not bad, but its how we act upon that negative behavior that can cause problems. We can relate this to marital conflict; if we are able to express our negative emotions, in a healthy way, it can be beneficial. Gottman said “one of the goals of [his book] is to guide partners toward expressing their negative emptions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.

Acceptance is Crucial

People love to be accepted; the same goes for spouses in marriage. Sometimes I feel it is easier to give acceptance to someone you don’t know than for someone you do know. I remember when I was first in college I had a roommate that I had never met before. I did all I could to make sure she liked me; I was not critical of any actions that she did that bothered me. Then a few semesters later I became roommates with a friend from back home. It was interesting to see the shift in my acceptance and irritability. I was more vocal about the things that I disliked and it was a tougher semester. Going back to the marriage idea; when marital conflict arises; it is important for spouses to respect each other and treat them well.  

Focus on Fondness and Admiration

I feel like this key to managing marital conflict is similar to the one above. Fondness and Admiration in marriage is very important; but I think it is most important during conflict, especially because it’s not easy. If spouses are more accepting and try to think more about the other person than themselves, they will be able to resolve their issues and thrive in their endeavors.  

These keys can help guide couples to finding balance; I know that conflict resolution is crucial to a successful marriage, it might be difficult at times but it is important and I am grateful for what I have learned.  

References:

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)