Parenting with Love, Limits and Latitude: Principles and Supportive Scholarship

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness”

 

Today I am going to talk about three Parenting styles

COERCIVE, PERMISSIVE and AUTHORATIVE

as well as three essential parenting principles:

LOVE, LIMITS and LATITUDE 
 

 

“Parents bringing children into this world and then rearing them in love and righteousness is essential to the great plan of happiness” (Text 103). Parenting is hard work and comes with joys and trials. My husband and I are the parents of three children and I have to say that it is the most challenging and most rewarding calling I have even had. I am so grateful for the sweet spirits who I am entrusted with. How are we supposed to parent then and help them along their way in this life? I want to first explain a few parenting styles and what I feel is the most beneficial.

Coercive (Authoritarian) Parenting

The very nature of coercion is intimidation and bullying; it is used to belittle children. It takes place in “homes where there is a climate of hostility manifested by spanking, yelling, criticizing and forcing. This style of parenting reminds me of how in the premortal existence, Satan wanted to destroy our agency and force us to choose right. He wanted all the glory for himself. There are times I believe this parenting style is not used on purpose, sometimes we just want our kids to be good and forcing them to be good is the only option. This choice might bring immediate results but will bring long term consequences.

Permissive Parenting

To be permissive is to be lenient or lax. This parenting style is when parents “overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices.” Spoiling kids at times is okay but to make it a parenting practice is not beneficial

Authoritative Parenting
In this parenting style there is respect between the parent and child. There is a positive vibe in the home and parents are unified in their efforts. Active or authoritative parenting is ideal and optimal.

My husband and I come from very different family background and dynamics, throughout our seven years of marriage we have strived to find balance in our parenting styles. I admit there are times I wish I could force my children to do what I say but I agree that the coercive parenting style might bring short term results but it could lead to long term problems. We are striving to build positive relationships with our children by following the authoritative parenting style.  

This leads me to the three principles I mentioned earlier; Love (connection), Limits (regulation) and Latitude (autonomy/independence).

LOVE

Expressing love to our children is essential to authorities parenting. We need to engage our children and have meaningful connections. Ezra Taft Benson has counseled parents to “take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to them, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one on one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children.” I love this. My husband has recently started taking one of our kids on a date each month; it has been such a great time for them to build connections.

 

LIMITS
Love is the foundation but in the authoritative parenting style, limits or regulations are important. We need to find ways to help our children and we need to be clear and firm in our rules. I have heard of families where the parents and the children work together to create the family rules. This way they are clear and set out, also let children come up with consequences as well. A little while ago, my husband and I were having a hard time with our 4-year-old son. He was pushing our limits to the max and we were at a loss of what to do. We called my father in law to ask him for some advice and he said being consistent as possible is vital. We have tried to follow through with this and it seems to help.

LATITUDE
Children need some feeling of independence. “Children learn and grow by learning how to make choices within limits that are acceptable to parents.” (text 112). Parents need to find balance in the freedom they give their kids and the guidelines they set.  

Families are so important, parenting is important and following these guidelines will help a family be successful.  

Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners” 

 

 

What is equality? Many believe that the term equality means “identity” but in reality it is not. Husband and wife are not identical and will never be. Each person brings their own uniqueness and bringing those individualist qualities together can create equality or oneness.

Interdependence is a term used in association with equality and oneness. Bruce C. Hafen has said “In the little kingdom of a family, each spouse freely gives something the other does not have and without which neither can be complete and return to God’s presence. Spouses are not a soloist with an accompanist, nor are they two solos. They are the interdependent parts of a duet, singing together in harmony at a level where no solo can go.” I love this analogy; I love music but I am definitely not a soloist; I love harmonizing and love the implications it has in marriage.

There are so many benefits of equal partnership. “Research has demonstrated that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices and better-functioning children. Researchers have also consistently found that couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality than couples where one spouse dominates.”

Families are so important and one of the most important work we will be a part of. Marriage is hard work, becoming one is critical to successful marriages and families

 

Foundational Process for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other”

Spencer W Kimball has said that happiness in marriage is in the “reach of every couple, every person”. He has also said that “married couples enjoy a harmonious and eternal relationship when they remain true to the Lord and to each other.” Marriage is hard work but lasting happiness can be obtained through some foundational processes; I will share some of those processes here.

#1 Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

Marriage is not just a contract that can be broken at any time; it is a covenant. It is not just piece of paper; it is a commitment. The covenants we make at marriage bind couples with the Lord being the focal point. It’s like a triangle with the husband and wife making up the bottom two points and the Savor completing the triangle at the top. Bruce C. Hafen has said that “when troubles come [in a marriage], the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry for benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow bound by covenants to each other, to the community and to God.” Getting married in the temple does not automatically bring eternal life, couples must work together and conduct themselves in a matter that is pleasing to God.  

#2 Love and Friendship

John 13:24 states “new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” Christ was a perfect example of someone who had a magnanimous capacity to love. The scriptures teach us that we are to love the Lord and love our wife (and families). C.S. Lewis has said that “love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit…they can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other…it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. “True love emerges from profound friendship.” If couples develop friendship and nurture their love, they will be able to be successful and happy.   

 

#3 Positive Interaction

This foundational process is pretty self-explanatory to me. A positive spouse is one that is helpful and encouraging. If couples have positive interactions their marriages will be more constructive. Negativity is sure to seep into any relationship, hard days will come but as long as the positive outweighs the negative, couples will be able to overcome hardships 

#4 Accepting Influence from One’s Spouse

Once married, a couple becomes one but it is a process that take some time. Spencer W Kimball said “two people coming from different backgrounds learn soon after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced…responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished, and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.” Our spouses can help us and we must be willing to turn them, be willing to listen to them and learn from them.  

#5 Continue Courtship throughout the Years

Every relationship needs nourishment, every marriage needs continued courtship; they need to do things together. Spencer W Kimball has said that “love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness…the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.  

I know that these foundations can help aid in the process of obtaining a happy and healthy marriage.  

Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

“Marriage…is ordained of God… God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife… Marriage between a man and a woman is essential to His eternal plan.”

 

From the beginning male and female existed; Adam was alone in the Garden of Eden at first but soon was given a woman. Moses 3:18 states that it was not food that man should be alone; wherefore I will make a help meet for him.” Paul taught in Corinthians that “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord (1 Corinthians 11:11). The world today sees marriage in a different light then it was before, the path to marriage has changed. The purpose of my post is to share some insights on how young people can plan and prepare and move towards marriage.

 

Lance B Wickman has said that “one of the most significant confidence tests of mortality is usually faced in the young-adult season of life. It is the decision to marry. No decision is approached with greater trepidation by this generation of young adults? I will share some pitfalls of dating and ways young people can find their path to eternal marriage. 

 

Pitfall #1-The Erosion of Traditional Dating and Courtship

Courtship is a time for people to get acquainted, it is a time to learn about the other person, what are their interests and goals, hopes and dreams. The world has slowly shifted from dating to just merely hanging out-these are not the same thing. Dallin H Oaks has said “Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to ‘shop around’ in a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out.” There is a ton of pessimism about marriage that brings with it a need to test out a relationship before marriage. Couples are more and more living together before marriage; studies have shown that this in fact does not lead to greater happiness or less divorce if married after the initial cohabitation.

 

Pitfall #2-Approach to Dating: Becoming a Right Person for Marriage

Many times a person approaches dating with a checklist of what to look for in a mate; sometimes this checklist deters us from progressing. They are looking for “the right one”. I do not believe there is such thing as the right one or a soulmate. David A Bedar said that “the list is not for evaluating someone else—the list is for you and what you need to become…you are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you'll have a greater likelihood of finding the right person." What are you doing in your lives to be the right person?

 

Pitfall #3-Social Perspective on Marriage Readiness

What are some character and traits of a happily married couple? I will share two that I feel are important. They are the ability to love and the ability to communicate. These are two things that I am not great at and things that I want to be better at in my life. I wish that I would have cultivated these attributes in my life in adolescence and young adulthood. Love is defined as “the ability to be emotionally available to self and others, especially in times of need.” I have always associated love with others but it really begins with ourselves; just as stated in Matthew 22 verse 39 “…thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” Communication is also key.

 

Pitfall #4-Finding a Choice Eternal Companion

Marriage is important; it is part of God’s eternal plan. Gordon B. Hinckley has said that “the most important decision you will ever make” is finding your eternal companion. He said that “it will influence your life from now through all eternity.”

 

 

I will close with a quote from Jeffrey R Holland. “Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril. Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is the only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way ‘never faileth.’”

 

I know that marriage is ordained of God and finding your eternal companion is one of the greatest choices you will make.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

On September 23, 1995, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” Since the restoration of the gospel, the Church has issued only four proclamations. As an explanation for the proclamation, President Hinckley said, “The world we are in is a world of turmoil, of shifting values. Shrill voices call out for one thing or another in betrayal of time-tested standards of behavior. . . . With so much deception concerning standards and values, with so much of allurement and enticement to take on the slow stain of the world, we have felt to warn and forewarn.” 

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” is designed to help us realize the importance of families in our Heavenly Father’s plan.

The Family

A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Family Project

I started back up at school again after a 10 year break. I changed my major to Marriage and Family Studies and its been a crazy few weeks. I am taking a class called "The Family" and we were asked to do a Family Proclamation Project. We are reading from an awesome text this semester called "Successful Marriages and Families-Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives." as well as some talks and articles from various people that have been influential. The purpose of my posts will be to share some insights on successful marriages and families and how families can unite and succeed this this ever changing world. I am learning right along with you. I love this little family of mine and I want to create better life for them. They are my everything!!!
 

My Family

Samuel.Camille.Theodore.Macy.Sally

*References in these posts are available upon request*