Fidelity In Marriage

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that “the family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” 

 

Complete Fidelity; what does this mean?

Fidelity is faithfulness and devotion. I believe fidelity in marriage is not just about abstaining from sex outside marriage; it is so much more than that.  Kenneth W. Matheson who is a Professor at the School of Social Work, at Brigham Young University has said that “fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” Complete fidelity equals complete commitment, complete trust and complete respect. It is not a partial thing; couples need to devote their time and energy to their spouse and family. 

 

We live in a time where the world looks upon chastity and fidelity as an afterthought. Gordon B Hinckley had said that we must “stand above the sleaze and the filth and the temptation which is all about you.” Satan wants us to fail and he tries with all his power to tempt us. He is subtle and cunning. I do not believe that a person wake up one day and decides that they are going to be unfaithful. It is something that develops gradually and stems from thoughts and feelings in the mind and in the heart.  

 

A great example to me of someone who abstained from sexual temptation was Joseph of Israel. The account of this is found in Genesis chapter 39. In summation; he held a high position in the home of his master Potiphar but Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph into lying with her. He resisted her advances and without hesitation fled from her. Verse 12 says ‘and she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out.’ I love this imagery. He did not linger he fled and I am grateful for this example.   

 

How can you maintain fidelity in marriage?

Spouses can make sure to spend time with each other and listen to each other. Husband and wife can control their thoughts and avoid situations that would cause them to waver. If put in a situation that could pose as a temptation; I suggest a person have a preset response. Just like Joseph knew that he was not going to give into the temptation of Potiphar's wife and fled, so can we in our lives know exactly what we will do in these cases. Marriage is sacred, it is not only a covenant made between spouses but also before God. I know that fidelity in marriage is essential to a successful marriage. Couples who are faithful in keeping their covenants will have happiness and gain the rewards that are available from God.

References

Matheson, K.W. Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think
Barlow, B.A. They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage
The Family: A Proclamation to the World
Hinckley, G.B (1998) “Walking in the Light of the Lord” Ensign

Charity in Marriage

Charity can sometimes be confused with doing acts of kindness, or just being nice but it is much more than that. It is something you develop within yourself. It is a gift from God and is very important to a successful marriage. Marriage is sometimes referred to as ‘God’s finishing school for the godly soul’ and is ‘ordained to stretch and refine us’. (Goddard)

I agree with this statement 100 percent. I have been stretched and pulled in my own marriage but I have learned so much. It reminds me of the process of pulling taffy. Have you ever seen a taffy machine or a person who is stretching taffy? I remember as a kid walking by a window and seeing this machine, it was taking taffy and stretching it. Then it would fold it in half and then stretch it and fold it again. This process went on for a while. I wondered why they needed to do this. This final step in the taffy making process is important. The taffy is pulled and stretched over and over again until it “reaches the point of exhaustion”. But why? what does it do for the candy? Pulling taffy aerates it, or incorporates many tiny air bubbles throughout the candy. This makes it lighter and chewier. (Why do you pull taffy). This process is an integral part of the process. So, it is for us in our lives. Sometimes God takes us to our limits; he pulls and stretches us in order to refine us and make us better. It may be hard to endure at times, but it is worth it. Marriage stretches our abilities but charity is something that can help us in our journey.  

Marvin Ashton has said that “perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down…charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.

Marriage requires accepting, humility, forgiveness and so much more. It is important to expect the best of each other.  We need to rely on God and Jesus Christ. It has been said that “charity is the pure love of Christ. (Moroni 7:47). I love this; Christ is our perfect example and I am grateful for that.

Ezra Benson has said that “Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life.”

If we can have this pure love of Christ in our lives, we can overcome trials and can be on our way to having a successful marriage and family.

Reference

 Ashton, M.J (1992). The tongue can be a sharp sword. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword?lang=eng

Benson, E.T. Remembers the joy of christmas. Retrieved from http://scottwoodward.org/Talks/html/Benson,%20Ezra%20Taft/BensonET_EzraTaftBensonRemembersTheJoyOfChristmas.html

http://www.exploratorium.edu/cooking/candy/taffy-story.html

Conflict in Marriage

Marriages are made up of a husband and a wife who each bring different personalities, expectations, views and ideals. I know for me and my spouse, we are definitely complete opposite in some of our opinions and daily doings but are similar in others. Learning how to deal with these differences has not been easy but it’s been rewarding in many ways. Sometimes these differences have caused some conflict. All marriages will encounter some kind of conflict, whether minor or major, marital conflict is a normal part of married life.  

Marital conflict in itself is not bad but the responses to the conflict is what can be harmful to marriage or is what can help a marriage thrive. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work shares some keys to managing conflict. I will share a few here: 

Negative Emotions are Important.

Reading about marital conflict and negative emptions really struck a chord with me this week. Growing up I thought that negative emotion was bad. I have always been a pessimistic person by nature and carried with me a lot of anger. I would beat myself up for thinking and then acting a certain way. After years of this life cycle I was able to learn more about anger and negativity and how the emotion is not necessary the problem but the action associated with it. A counselor once told me that having a negative emotion is not bad, but its how we act upon that negative behavior that can cause problems. We can relate this to marital conflict; if we are able to express our negative emotions, in a healthy way, it can be beneficial. Gottman said “one of the goals of [his book] is to guide partners toward expressing their negative emptions in ways that allow each other to listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt.

Acceptance is Crucial

People love to be accepted; the same goes for spouses in marriage. Sometimes I feel it is easier to give acceptance to someone you don’t know than for someone you do know. I remember when I was first in college I had a roommate that I had never met before. I did all I could to make sure she liked me; I was not critical of any actions that she did that bothered me. Then a few semesters later I became roommates with a friend from back home. It was interesting to see the shift in my acceptance and irritability. I was more vocal about the things that I disliked and it was a tougher semester. Going back to the marriage idea; when marital conflict arises; it is important for spouses to respect each other and treat them well.  

Focus on Fondness and Admiration

I feel like this key to managing marital conflict is similar to the one above. Fondness and Admiration in marriage is very important; but I think it is most important during conflict, especially because it’s not easy. If spouses are more accepting and try to think more about the other person than themselves, they will be able to resolve their issues and thrive in their endeavors.  

These keys can help guide couples to finding balance; I know that conflict resolution is crucial to a successful marriage, it might be difficult at times but it is important and I am grateful for what I have learned.  

References:

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)

Pride in Marriage

What is pride and why does it affect so many people.  Dictionary.com defines pride as a “feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.” The Latter-day Saint bible dictionary defines pride as a “lack or absence of humility or teachableness. Pride sets people in opposition to each other and to God. A proud person sets himself above those around him and follows his own will rather than God’s will. Conceit, envy, hardheartedness, and haughtiness are also typical of a proud person.”

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. (Benson, 1989) Have you ever thought to yourself im right and your wrong? I know I am guilty of this. Pride will affect most of us in our lives. Pride in any relationships can be harmful but pride in marriage can be detrimental. If couples are living in pride; they esteem themselves above the other. Pride threatens intimacy and can be the downfall of what could be a successful marriage. We live at a time and in a society where people want to be acknowledged; their voice wants to be heard and where pride is rampant. Below is an insert from Benson's talk on Pride!!!

 

I love this poem about pride by Beth Monroe. It just gives such a great imagery of what pride can do:

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.

I cheat you of your God-given destiny…because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment…because you “deserve better than this.”
I cheat you of knowledge…because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing…because you’re too full of me to forgive.
I cheat you of holiness…because you refuse to admit when you’re wrong.
I cheat you of vision…because you’d rather look in the mirror than out a window.
I cheat you of a genuine friendship…because nobody’s going to know the real you.
I cheat you of love…because real romance demands sacrifice.
I cheat you of greatness in heaven…because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth.
I cheat you of God’s glory…because I convince you to seek your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater. You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you. Untrue. I’m looking to make a fool of you. God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry…If you stick with me You’ll never know.

How do we protect and prevent pride from encompassing our lives?

Humility is the key; and going along with that is repentance and forgiveness. H Wallace Goddard has said that “God will have a humble people. Either we will choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Let us choose to be humble.” (Goddard) Marriages will flourish when there is humility.

I love what the Proclamation to the family says about couples in marriage. It is a great example of this for me. It talks about the different roles of husband and wives but then it gives this awesome statement. Couples are to help one another as equal partners. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work talks about how it is important for couples to be influenced by each other. I agree with this; couples who are helping each other, who are giving 100%, will be able to keep pride at bay

Ezra Taft Benson has said that “pride is concerned with who is right, humility is concerned with what is right.” I love this. The cure to pride is humility. I know that it is sometimes easy for pride to knock at our door and enter our lives, but it is important to do all we can to prevent this. Though humility, forgiveness and repentance, we can do so. I know that forgiveness is not easy but it is important.  I know that lack of forgiveness can be devastating to a marriage. I know that I want my marriage to succeed and all these things will be able to help me and all of us as we navigate this journey of life.

References :

Dictionary.com
LDS Bible Dictionary
Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)
Goddard. H.W (2007) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax: Meridian Publishing
Monroe Beth “Praying God’s Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds.”
Benson, E.T (1989) Beware of pride. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng&_r=1

Faith in Marriage

What is faith? Faith is believing in something that you have not seen. Dictionary.com defines faith as confidence of trust in a person or thing and a belief that is not based on proof. The Latter-day Saint bible dictionary defines faith as a hope for things which are not seen, but which are true. This faith must be centered in Jesus Christ in order to produce salvation. In the Book of Mormon a prophet by the name of Alma teaches some people who are poor and humble. He teaches them about faith and how “faith is a hope in that which is not seen which is true.” Faith is a principle of action and of power and although faith is a gift, it must be cultured and sought after until it grows from a tiny seed to a great tree.

I love this imagery; I can just picture a little seed that is trying to grow; if it is not nourished it will never take root and spout; but even after it has started to grow, it must be nourished or it will die.  You can read more about this in Alma chapter32. Just as the seed needs constant nourishment, the same thing needs to happen in marriage. The way we treat our spouse can have such a profound influence on weather a marriage nourished or wilts. 

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Gottman shares how small little moments in marriage matter. He calls these moments “bids” for attention. Couples need to be aware when these moments occur. They can occur at anytime; they can be as small as asking for help with some chores or as major as big life decisions. Gottman also talks about how important it is to turn towards our partner instead of away. Sometimes this is easier said than done. I know there have been times in my marriage when selfishness gets in the way of sacrifice. I think we could all do a little better at being more aware of others needs especially our spouse. I know for me; I can pick up on those “bids” mentioned above and I can stay tuned and turn towards my spouse and not away or against!!! 
 

Bruce Hafen in a book titled Covenant Hearts mentioned how important communication is in marriage. He said “Communicate. Say what you’re thinking, in a kind way. Don’t make the other person read your mind, and don’t let unspoken things build up until some event triggers a reaction that’s out of proportion”. I am guilty of this; sometimes I just assume since I told my spouse numerous times what I like, it does not necessarily mean that he will remember every time. Instead of letting something fester, I could easily just ask for help. Sometimes pride gets in the way and it never leads to a good outcome. I love how he said that we are not only to communicate but communicate in a kind way. No matter what I think, my spouse will never really be able to read my mind and really, how easy is it to ask for help.
 
I know that faith in marriage is important. Marriage is a big giant leap of faith; or at least it has been for me. I know it’s important to keep nourishing our faith and our marriage through small daily connections.  

References

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/faith?s=t.
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bd/faith.
Hafen, B.C (2012) Covenant hearts: why marriage matters and how to make it last. Deseret Book Company

 

Challenges in Marriage

H. Wallace Goddard has said that “afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth. Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them. We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven. “

This is easier said than done. I am someone who has a hard time welcoming difficulties, when things do not go according as I have planned, I kind of freak out. It’s been something that I have had to deal with my whole life; but I have been able to get by with help from my family, especially my husband. He is the complete opposite; he is able to take things in stride. I know it is hard sometimes, but we find ways to make it work. John Gottman has said that fondness and admiration [in marriage] are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Marriages are expected to last; couples that love and respect each other will fare well.

Goddard has called marriage “God’s finishing school.” I agree with this statement 100 percent; marriage is not for the faint of heart and it takes a lot of time, energy and hard work. Spencer W Kimball has said that “If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony…they are sure to have this great happiness.” Marriage is about sacrifice and there are bound to be moments of trial and hardship but being able to overcome those moments and find ways to foster admiration and fondness are vital.

How do we nurture admiration and fondness in marriage? Love is very important. Spencer W Kimball has said that “Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness. Total unselfishness is sure to accomplish another factor in successful marriage. If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions. Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy. Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration...companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.”

The following video tells a story of a man named Brandon and his wife Lluvia. After being married for 13 years and with three kids, they decided to divorce. She thought that it would be an easy fix but ended up being much harder than she thought. They went to therapy and found a way to find love again. They decided to start dating again, they smiled more and found ways to stay in love. She mentioned in the video "what am I doing to stay in love" I think this goes along with nurturing admiration and love. They decided to keep going to therapy, seek spiritual help, pray and read the scriptures, go to the temple and set goals together. They got remarried and found hope.

I love all of these words; it is a great reminder of what needs to be done in order to obtain a happy and successful marriage. I know for me and in my marriage; there have definitely been times of trial, as well as times of success. I sometimes think that if I had not gone through a certain hardship, I would not appreciate when times were good. I remember a time in our marriage when things became stagnant; my husband was not in love with his current employment and he wanted to make a change. As I mentioned above, change and me are not always a pretty site. We decided to move our little family across the country. I was not fully behind the move but it was something my husband really wanted and I supported him in the decision. The first year and a half, I struggled a great deal. I had left my home state and family behind and did not really have a positive attitude about it. After a while, we decided that we wanted to return to school; so through the course of time we ended up in Idaho, going back to school. I sometimes think of that year and a half as a not so great time, but it was really just a stepping stone in our lives. We also had some good experiences and met some amazing people. Sometimes those are overshadowed by my negativity.  It is important to stay positive and look for the good in our situations.

Henry B Eyring in a talk about love said, “pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” This kind of love will last. When was the last time you prayed for your spouse? This is something I want to work on. Prayer is important, love is imperative and finding ways to stay positive and welcome trials as a way of learning will be so helpful in navigating our way through this life.

References:

Eyring, H. B (2009) Our Perfect Example. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng&_r=1

Kimball, S.W (1977) Oneness in marriage. Returned from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/03/oneness-in-marriage?lang=eng  

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)

Goddard. H.W (2007) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax: Meridian Publishing

 

 

Friendship in Marriage

Friendship, says John Gottman, is at the core of a strong marriage.

But, how do you obtain friendship in marriage? For some couples, it comes naturally but for others, myself included, it is easier said than done. Happy marriages are not free of conflict but happy couples have found ways to keep happy during times of trial. I know for my husband and me, we try and find something to do each day together. Most of the time it ends up being watching a show or helping each other with homework but when life gets crazy, it’s important to take a little time each day to connect with the people that matter the most.  

Gottman has also said that couples with deep friendships have… “mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately – they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.” 

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Gottman shares examples of what couples can do to pursue friendship versus fights. A husband attends church with his wife even though he is not religious because he knows it makes her happy, a wife makes the husband separate pancakes because she knows he does not like the added blueberries that the kids like. Another example he provided was a spouse who was “not crazy about spending time with relatives,” still went and spent time with the in-laws. This resonated with me; I come from a large family that has lots of gatherings; my husband’s side of the family, not so much. Even though it is not exactly what my husband likes to do, he always accompanies me and keeps up a positive front. It makes me happy when he does something for me, even though it not first on his list.  

In an article presented on a blog as part of the Gottman Institute, Zach Brittle provides a few suggestions on how to foster friendship in marriage.   

The first suggestion is to ask questions.

 My mother is an excellent example of someone who ask questions. She does not just ask opened ended questions but she engages you to converse with her. She does the TMA; [tell me about] type of questions. Instead of saying: how was your day; she would reframe it by saying: tell me about your day. This allowed us to share with her more than just a yes or a no answer.

Bobb Biehl has said that “if you ask profound questions, you get profound answers; if you ask shallow questions, you get shallow answers; and if you ask no questions, you get no answers at all.” I love this. I did not inherit my mother’s ability to ask questions, but I know that it’s something that is important and something that I want to work on in my own life.

The second suggestion is to tell stories.

 
I love books and I love stories. This stems from my childhood. My father was the best story teller; we looked forward to nighttime to hear a new story or a continuation of the previous night’s tale. I am not great at telling stories but I do love to hear them.  

“Do not underestimate the power of stories. Our brains are designed to be drawn into and motivated by stories. Most of what we know about human history has been passed down through oral tradition. Stories have the power to build and transform relationships. They provide context for the rough spots and remind us that there is something bigger than the struggle.”

 

Because my parents were great at asking questions and telling stories to us kids, I know they did the same thing in their personal relationship. I know it helped them to become best friends and have the successful marriage. 
 

In the same book mentioned above, Gottman share some ways or principles on how to make a marriage work. He said they are “surprisingly simple." “Happily married couples aren't smarter or more beautiful than others, and they don't live in castles in the clouds where there's no conflict or negative feelings. They've simply learned to let their positive feelings about each other override their negative ones. They understand, honor, and respect each other. They know each other deeply and enjoy being together. They do little things every day to stay connected and to show each other they care. In short, they are friends. As simple as it sounds, happy marriages are based on a foundation of friendship.” 

I am grateful for the examples in my life of couples who are striving to do their best, who are committed to each other and who also resolve conflict and promote being positive.  Deep friendship is important and it is something I want to strive for in my life and in all my relationships

References:

Brittle, Z (2014). F is for friendship. The gottman institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/f-is-for-friendship/

Gottman, J.M and Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books (and imprint of the crown publishing group)
Nurturing Friendship in Marriage-article retrieved from https://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Pages/marriage/Nurturing,Connecting,AndSharing/Nurturing-Friendship-in-Marriage.aspx